I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.


Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar


Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.


Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.


You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.


Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?


You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.


Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.


Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.


my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…