@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

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@Cheeseboy22

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

@AnOrangeSNES

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

@MariyaAlexander

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

@jwoodham

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

@zacharyflynn

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

@skittle624

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

@BrendaMatusik

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

@jakob_huber

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

@Stellacopter

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

@billyjoebaldwin

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…