I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?


Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.


Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.


[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th


What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?


The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.


Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”


How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?


Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)