I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
oh my gosh!!
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.