I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
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The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Realize this:
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I needed a laugh this morning.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out