I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape