I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Ladies, why y’all do this?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.