I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My Plans 2020