“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.