I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
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the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting