I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?