I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
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My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food