I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
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ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”