I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?