I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
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favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.