I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
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She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.