I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I put the mess in domestic.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.