I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
handsome & gretel
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.