Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

*aggressively waits in line*

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas