I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
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WTF
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
No selfies while hijacking a train.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.