I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Why is this me 😫
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body