I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Never ghost your hitman.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.