I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.