I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
You Might Also Like
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
One venti cheeseburger please.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD