I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Basketball
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
me irl
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.