I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
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Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.