I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
This forever.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out