I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
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her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My inexpensive home security system…
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Growing out my freckles.
The Joker was right
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Nothing.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!