I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I ate everything, including the H.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right