I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.