I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo