I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
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Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??