I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
You Might Also Like
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Wait a second…
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what