I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
OKAY DAD
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.