I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
i could never be president. im overqualified.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.