I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
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[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
are they though??
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
If you breakdance you buy dance.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
it’s finally my moment to shine
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam