I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
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Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this