I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
You Might Also Like
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.