I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*