I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
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Bike is short for Bichael.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
got so much cardio in today
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.