I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.