I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
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I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips