I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
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Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.