I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
A leaf blower, but for people.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
A bold strategy
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”