I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”