I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
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[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Oh thanks BBC.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Print is alive and well!!!
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”