I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

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Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.


My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.


“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”


My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”


Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*


Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle


No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!


My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.