I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
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My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Peter Parker Peter Driver
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival