I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
You Might Also Like
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
All. The. Damn. Time.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
The fall of Netflix
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!