I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
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ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.