I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

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Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.


Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine


Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana


I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.


me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes


When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.


Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.


May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”