@DearAuntAbby

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

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@MissBamanthaa

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

@TheRealRHB

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

@VerifiedDrunk

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

@TuSoonShakur

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

@mrjohndarby

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

@KarenKilgariff

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

@DavidKlein5

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

@SmithWit

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”