I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
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911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest