I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Try and stop me.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
for all #parents out there
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
If only.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda