I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen