“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
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[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.